This is coming from a dad’s perspective, so I can’t really speak for anyone who’s pregnant, obviously.  9 months of pregnancy is a hell of a lot harder for the moms than anyone else, but since I consider this a team effort between mom and dad, we try our best to be on the same page about certain things. Don’t get me wrong, we love hearing advice from anyone with experience raising children. I’m always up for hearing someone’s perspective, and learning from it. But sometimes the majority of advice that is given to us becomes repetitive, and is only said because it feels like the right thing to say at the time, because we’ve all heard it many times before. Not only does it come from family and friends, but strangers as well. It’s not that I would rather everyone not say anything at all, far from it. What I wish to happen is that people remember it’s not always what you say, but how you say it. In other words, teach not tell!

1. “It’s not going to be easy!” - The problem with this response is, not only that it’s obvious, but that it’s usually used with a negative connotation. Using a negative connotation with any response is not an effective way to show support for a situation. This response implies that everything having to do with a baby is complicated, challenging, and disheartening, and will probably cause you more suffering than you’ve ever felt in your entire life. At least, this is what I felt from the wave of dread that passed over me the first time someone said this to me. Say for example, a friend of yours is about to take a final exam for a really tough class he’s taking. He comes to you asking for insight and reassurance that he will do okay, but all you can come up with is, “It’s not going to be easy!” The situation is different, but the context is the same. Hearing this response when looking for support and reassurance about a situation will only cause someone to worry more. People who say “It’s not going to be easy” when referring to having a baby usually have good intentions, especially when it comes from family and friends, but the problem is that they say these things out of impulse because it’s something we’ve all heard many times before.

2.  “Your life is going to change.” -  Also obvious. In fact, I’m counting on it! This response sort of goes hand in hand with the one above. It will most likely come from your parents, and also brings with it a negative connotation. I say this because if the person speaking was attempting to use this response with a positive outlook, they would have probably added a positive word within. It would probably sound more like, “Your life is going to be amazing.” Or, “This baby is going to bring joy into your lives.” For example, someone you know is trying to earn their degree after many years of being in school. It’s challenging and causes a lot of frustration, but they still go through with it to accomplish their goal. Would you tell that person, “Your life is going to change.” because of it? Not likely, because using a postive outlook response would be more appropriate. The same would apply for pregnancy and raising a child. It takes a long time, is extremely challenging and frustrating, but if you reach that goal you were aiming for, it becomes a wonderful thing. Not to say that you couldn’t use this response with a positive outlook, because you can. But for the most part it is said out of impulse because the person saying it usually assumes that the person they are speaking to is taking the situation lightly, which is untrue in most cases. I say this because I’ve never met anyone who actually believes having a baby is going to be a walk in the park, but who knows.

3. “Are you excited?” - I don’t necessarily hate this one but it does become a little annoying at times. I usually assume that it’s a rhetorical question, considering the obvious answer one would usually give, but somehow people still ask me as if they really don’t know the answer. And I get asked this question a lot. A stranger recently asked me this, to which I replied, “I’m past the excitement part, I’m ready for him to grow up and move out already.” Her blank stare told me she failed to see the humor in my response. I don’t mind when people ask me whether or not I’m excited, it shows they are attempting to be involved in that excitement, which is a good thing. The problem is that it feels like most people ask this as if they are first person to do so, when in fact the number may very well be in the triple digits. It’s almost as if my mind has been building up an immunity to this question and every time I hear it, the excitement level drops a little less.

4. Sleep now because you won’t be getting any!” - This usually precedes something like, “You’ll be waking up every 2 hours! At 3 or 4 in the morning!” It’s told more so as a warning to new parents, instead of a general tidbit of knowledge. I wish that I would just speak up and say, “So?” So what if it’s 3 or 4 in the morning, because the second I look at my son I’ll realize this little thing is the best thing in the world and I’ll be nothing but happy to see his tiny face no matter what time it is. Besides, I don’t sleep as it is now, but that’s besides the point. It feels like people only say this so when you do have to wake up early in the morning because of the baby, you’re going to feel some sort of regret about having a child in the first place, which is probably not their intention to do so. But why else would someone say that for? Have you ever heard anyone say, “You’ll be up all night!” with an excited tone? I haven’t either. The baby could keep me up for a week straight and I still wouldn’t feel regret for having him, because being there for your child, no matter what time, is what being a parent is all about. Isn’t it?

5. “Just you wait!” - This one pretty much applies to everything I’ve said above and more. It can be used in any situation, and most people love to use it.  It’s a good ender to most arguments because it ensures the person saying it that they will be able to follow up with an “I told you so” if that time ever comes. I don’t personally hear this one often, because I’m not one to get into arguments regarding parenting, but the few times I did hear it I would just reply, “What else am I going to do but wait?”. I can understand the reason why people like to say this. Most young parents can have pretty strong opinions about raising a child, but the truth is that, we really won’t know until that moment happens. And you can’t argue with someone who is stuck in their ways, which is why “just you wait” is such an easy way to end a conversation. In actuality, no one wants to hear, “I told you so”, which is why teaching, not telling, someone about what they know nothing about is so important. It’s also important to remember that being stuck in their ways stands true for both parties involved. Keeping these aspects in mind, in most cases, ensures that the “just you wait’s” and the “I told you so’s” aren’t necessary.

I’m sure most of that just sounded like rambling from a young first time father. Which is probably true. But, the one main point I was trying to get across was that the most important thing anyone could give to first time parents is support. That’s really all anyone needs. Stand behind us through this frustrating time and give us the independence and responsibility we need to learn how to be great parents. And by instinct, we will become great parents. Not because of any impulse advice or warning signs, but because of the support that is shown to us by our family and friends.